## 07 January 2015

##### How to annoy Your Physics Professor!

I got the idea of this post, from the article - Things to do to Annoy Your Physics Professor", was written by some guy of University of Maryland. If you want to try them out, you do so at your own risk.

I claim no responsibility for failures in courses or anything else due to people attempting these things . Here are the 25 ways to annoy your physics professor-

1. At some time during every lecture, slowly lift yourself up out of your chair and cry out, "Look! Anti-gravity!" As soon as the professor turns to look at you, let yourself fall back into your chair, shrug your shoulders and say, "Guess not."

2.Try to confuse him/her with sentences or questions containing a bunch of unrelated things, but sound like they could actually mean something. For example, "Why not just write the answer as a contour integral in the complex plane of a fourth order tensor in Minkowski space-time?" It helps to sound like you know what you're talking about, too.

3. At the beginning of every class, tell him/her that you've just broken a fundamental law of physics or solved an unsolved problem, but that you don't have any proof. For example, "Last night I discovered the Grand Unified Theory, but I lost the piece of paper I wrote it on."

4.Whenever teacher starts talking about vectors, raise your hand and ask him/her if this is where you get to use the right hand rule. After deriving an equation, say, "That's nice, but how does it relate to Newton's Laws?"
 Courtesy: Deviant Art
5. During labs, continually complain about simplifying the experiment by negelcting things like friction, air resistance, relativistic effects, etc.  Remember, your main source of error in labs is God's will -- if He wanted the experiment to work, it would have, but since the experiment failed, He obviously didn't want it to work.

6.Tell your teacher that you want a real proof of Schrodinger's wave equation -- none of this demonstration about how it was arrived at.

7. If you don't have your homework for collection, say that the mass of the paper your homework was written on spontaneously annihilated in order to make time go forward. (*see footnote 1)

8. Always plot your data with the x and y axes reversed. Use semi-log paper for graphs when no logarithms need to be taken, and use normal paper when logarithms need to be taken.

9. Solve all mechanics problems using *only* Newton's Laws and solve all E&M problems using *only* Maxwell's equations. And use the Schrodinger equation to solve classical mechanics problems and Newton's laws to solve quantum mechanics problems.

10. Threaten to renormalize his/her wave function to zero over all space and time. If you could do that, then not only would he/she not exist now, he/she would never have existed at all!

11. Any time he/she mentions blackbody radiation, claim that he/she is being racist and that he/she should use the politically correct term "continuous thermal radiation.". Use an economist's view of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
• Income can neither be created nor destroyed.
• In order to use income, you must pay your taxes.
• As income approaches absolutely nothing, no taxes to pay.
12. Always use the full values of known constants and carry out as many decimal places as possible (e.g. $c = 2.99792458 \times 10^8\ m/s^2$). This is the most fun for $\pi$ ($\pi = 3.141592653589793238462643383279...$ you get the idea) and other numbers like that. Never round your answers. "Significant digits? Who needs them?"

13. In the class, start running into the wall. When the professor asks why, say that you are attempting to tunnel through the wall and prove that macroscopic tunnelling is possible. "There is a non-zero probability that I can tunnel through the wall, so if I run into the wall often enough, eventually I should be able to go through it!"

14.When the professor asks you to explain the concept of the theory of relativity, use a diagram. Put your name at the top and draw two branches from your name. Then put your parent's name. Everybody on the diagram should be relative!

15. When the professor requests that your solutions be given in MKS units, use CGS units instead. Likewise, when the professor asks that your solutions be given in CGS units, give them in MKS instead. When it doesn't matter, use the tie-breaker: the English system.

16. In the lab, charge a capacitor to full capacity and then short it out to make that cool spark and pop sound. Likewise, charge the capacitor until the thing just explodes . Always blame the manufacturer of the lab equipment that you are using for experimental error in any lab experiments.
 Courtesy: lhup.edu
17. When taking a test, and a problem asks you to find the area under a curve, draw the curve for which you need the area and then cut it out.  Measure the square and the curve by scale.  Set up a proportion to solve for the area under the curve. Say that you had a memory lapse, and forgot how to integrate. (*see footnote 2)

18. Start creating your own conservation laws and give proof that the quantities you claim are conserved actually are. When the totalitarian principle is brought up, "Every process that is not forbidden must occur," start arguing with your professor that the reverse must also be true, "Every processes that does not occur, must be forbidden."

19. Attempt to answer any astronomy related question and try to give the reference of Star Trek. For example, blame the slow advance of technology on the Romulans. Say the solution to any astronomy related problem is "Warp Drive." If asked for clarification, say, "It's simple. Invent warp drive and then just go to the star or whatever it is you want to know about. It's the best way to test your theories!" :cool:

20. Refuse to study any particle physics unless you can use a particle accelerator or cyclotron to actually see some reactions.

21. When describing Newton's laws of conservation, give answers from the GOP's Contract with America.

22. Start hanging a magnetic tape up in the middle of class, stringing it as far across the room as you can possibly get, and explain that you're setting up a catenary.

23. When in the Physics lab, and asked to demonstrate projectile motion, get out the dartboard and play a game of darts.

24. When asked to show the symbols used for "Bra-Ket" notation, draw a bra for the bra part and a kite for the ket part. Call it "Bracket" notation in class, too. Not "Bra-Ket" notation.

25.Build a bridge out of toothpicks in E&M lab. Put a sign on it. "Wheatstone." Don't forget to put it across a small puddle of water on your lab bench.

Footnotes:
*1)Mathematics professor Alexander Abian of Iowa State University has a theory that mass and time are equivalent and in order for time to advance, mass is necessarily lost.
*2)Apparently this method was actually used at one time and it has shown up at least one lab manual as an optional method for solving the problem.

I posted this article about 4 years ago, in one of my old blog called 'Science Catchup'.

Physics Graduate and Data Science Enthusiast.